How do I teach my child Emotional Intelligence?

When we first receive the great news that “Yay, we’re pregnant”, we start planning and dreaming of the life we would like to give our unborn child. We ponder our own childhood, what was great about it and what we deem was done to us in unfairness and caused us hurt or harm. We make a promise to ourselves and our unborn baby that we will right the wrongs and ‘do good’ by them.

Fast forward a couple of years and we are doing our best, teaching our kids the alphabet and colours, imparting our wisdom of teaching them right from wrong, how to be patient, how to share and all those good things that make us an outstanding parent. We’re so pleased with ourselves when we’re able to show off how good and clever our little one is.

We have been raised to believe that IQ is the A-all and B-all of an individual. We have after all been raised and schooled in the same way. We judge our children and others by their IQ, or according to us, their lack thereof. School systems across the length and breadth of this earth have been set up to punt, acknowledge and award high achievers. You have to be No.1 to be seen and heard. There are parents that will only accept and love their child if they achieve and stand out amongst their peers.

Research has shown that teaching your child Emotional Intelligence (EI) will determine their quality of life fundamentally more than their IQ ever will. I therefore cannot stress enough the importance of teaching our children how to manage their feelings and therefore their behaviour.

We, the parents, are the mirrors to our children. Your child is watching you the whole time, not some of the time, the whole time. How do you react when you are angry? Do you yell and have a hissy fit, storm out the room and slam a door? Do you use the silent treatment? (This was my modus operandi during my ‘unconscious’ years).

No, really, how do you handle your big feelings? However you are handling them will be mirrored to your children and they will comply by acting the same way. I grew up with a mom that used to say “don’t do what I do, do what I say”. So what did I do? Ashamedly I acknowledge that I raised my kids the same way. Today as a Life Coach I know better and therefore want you to know better so you can do better.

Am I saying it’s easy when you in the thick of things and all you want to do is smash something or act out because you are being triggered? No, but if you want to be that parent that you dreamed of when you were carrying your baby, now is the time to step up to the plate.

How do we achieve this?

Above all else stay calm, be in the moment, and connect with your child.

Really listen and try to understand what is behind the unhappiness. When our children are unhappy, we the parents want to immediately “fix” things.

We do one of two things:

We rush in with a treat in hand hoping that a sweetie or snack will dissolve the unhappiness quickly. By doing this we firstly are not acknowledging the real emotion and secondly, we are teaching them that food soothes their unhappiness. We are then raising the adults of tomorrow to comfort eat so that they don’t have to face and deal with negative feelings.

Secondly, we get triggered by the bad behaviour and react negatively wanting to enforce what we want without really finding out what the problem is because in the moment our ego gets the better of us. We are the parent. We are physically bigger and we have the power to ‘make’ the child do what we want because we have earned the title of Parent.

Respond with kindness and understanding to their anger in the moment. Anger, frustration and anxiety are born out of fear. Stephen Covey writes: “Seek first to understand before being understood”. Therefore you can only respond appropriately if you really understand what the cause of the negative behaviour is.

Research shows that a child’s brain will learn how to self-soothe through this process. By really showing understanding and being calm we are guiding and teaching them how to stabilize themselves in the midst of stressful situations and emotions.

Here’s the thing; when we as parents are able to regulate our own emotions and accept our children’s, they are able to manage their own emotions and behaviours.

Children that have acquired Emotional Intelligence at a young age are closer to their parents during their teenage years and beyond and they handle stress better because they know how to calm themselves. This sets them up to be well balanced, adjusted adults in control of themselves under difficult conditions.